Stream of HOSciousness Transfer Station (NSFW)

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  1. Post
    I wonder if skitz and 3pac are still running with men.

  2. Post
    one of them died, (don't think 3pac but one of the ones from the abez vs. skitz video), don't remember the details and won't ask tho

  3. Post
    It's somehow reassuring to know that at least part of what i can remember from the past few years is actually accurate - albeit, not much, really. it's still a fog. but a familiar fog.

    im starting to realise just how much of my life i've dumped on you guys over the years, it's almost kinda disturbing in a way. i guess im feeling kinda guilty about shutting off the persona i built on GPOD without at least thanking everyone for listening and trying to help without judgement.

    also most of it's in this thread.


    basically, i got to a point where i couldn't just keep giving identities to the multitude of what i thought were separate personalities that appeared in my head and telling myself that it was sustainable. i think i got to somewhere around 30 before i realised it wasn't going to work out. especially once i started forgetting my own names for my selves.

    so, after a couple of months at the bottom of my hole that i dig in my mind (not a fun place to be, fwiw) eventually i decided that they weren't separate versions of me after all, i could quite easily divide them into two distinct sets of emotions, and basically just flesh out those two instead. add a bit of depth to them.

    minor issue with that being that one was clearly female, and she's honestly the main one - has been since my early teens in hindsight, i just didn't know what it meant (and then smoked enough pot for long enough to be able to not need to know...).

    i did try to carry on being two people online, but really the novelty of exploring that version of me took over, and it really is too much mental effort to do both. or maybe im just getting old.

    so yeah, basically, 4wd doesn't really do much these days, except go to work and pay the mortgage (my work life would've been a whole lot simpler had i come to this point ten years ago....), and Sarah runs everything else.

    of course, im a realist, and i can't be a typical rainbow snowflake even if i try. too cynical. im not about to wank on about deadnames, pronouns or gender sexuality. it's too much of a cluster**** imo. in my head i'm still just me, regardless of what my body looks like at any one time. The key point being that i'm finally able to go about building a life as a person i see myself as, without feeling like i'm causing problems for myself. **** what people think, most can't bring themselves to be true, so they're in no position to judge me for it.

    another problem, everything that actually makes up Sarah's physical image (ie the person i present as) is either highly flammable, too damn expensive or just inappropriate for the things i enjoy. like building weird shit in my shed.

    eventually my life will develop into something suitable for Sarah, but for now at least, it's still a compromise.

    so, after this wee braindump , i reckon that mostly im still the same as ever, most of the time. but sometimes im a tall, blokey looking chick with a deep voice and a few unladylike traits....and the rest of the time i'm a quiet barefoot farm hori in hiviz and work jeans, setting shit on fire and finding new ways to hurt myself.

    thanks everyone for helping me over the years, i really do appreciate it

    ...

  4. Post
    wait up so ur GF is literally just one of your split personas?

    hardcore

  5. Post
    Gesellschaft wrote:
    one of them died, (don't think 3pac but one of the ones from the abez vs. skitz video), don't remember the details and won't ask tho
    Ruts. They could have been successful YouTubers.

    WB Sarah/4wd. Sounds like a lot to cope with, glad you're doing it.

  6. Post
    Lethargic wrote:
    wait up so ur GF is literally just one of your split personas?

    hardcore

    Pretty much. She literally lives in my closet too...

    edit: 'course, that also means my BF basically lives on the floor....

    Mutton wrote:
    Ruts. They could have been successful YouTubers.

    WB Sarah/4wd. Sounds like a lot to cope with, glad you're doing it.
    Cheers Mutton.

    it's actually easier than it was, oddly enough. despite it being such a drastic change, i finally understand what's been causing all the issues that just kept happening in spite of everything i tried to deal with them.

    something to the tune of knowing your enemy. even when it's yourself

  7. Post
    Tfw you realise you ordered stuff to your old address

  8. Post
    4wd wrote:
    It's somehow reassuring to know that at least part of what i can remember from the past few years is actually accurate - albeit, not much, really. it's still a fog. but a familiar fog.

    im starting to realise just how much of my life i've dumped on you guys over the years, it's almost kinda disturbing in a way. i guess im feeling kinda guilty about shutting off the persona i built on GPOD without at least thanking everyone for listening and trying to help without judgement.

    also most of it's in this thread.


    basically, i got to a point where i couldn't just keep giving identities to the multitude of what i thought were separate personalities that appeared in my head and telling myself that it was sustainable. i think i got to somewhere around 30 before i realised it wasn't going to work out. especially once i started forgetting my own names for my selves.

    so, after a couple of months at the bottom of my hole that i dig in my mind (not a fun place to be, fwiw) eventually i decided that they weren't separate versions of me after all, i could quite easily divide them into two distinct sets of emotions, and basically just flesh out those two instead. add a bit of depth to them.

    minor issue with that being that one was clearly female, and she's honestly the main one - has been since my early teens in hindsight, i just didn't know what it meant (and then smoked enough pot for long enough to be able to not need to know...).

    i did try to carry on being two people online, but really the novelty of exploring that version of me took over, and it really is too much mental effort to do both. or maybe im just getting old.

    so yeah, basically, 4wd doesn't really do much these days, except go to work and pay the mortgage (my work life would've been a whole lot simpler had i come to this point ten years ago....), and Sarah runs everything else.

    of course, im a realist, and i can't be a typical rainbow snowflake even if i try. too cynical. im not about to wank on about deadnames, pronouns or gender sexuality. it's too much of a cluster**** imo. in my head i'm still just me, regardless of what my body looks like at any one time. The key point being that i'm finally able to go about building a life as a person i see myself as, without feeling like i'm causing problems for myself. **** what people think, most can't bring themselves to be true, so they're in no position to judge me for it.

    another problem, everything that actually makes up Sarah's physical image (ie the person i present as) is either highly flammable, too damn expensive or just inappropriate for the things i enjoy. like building weird shit in my shed.

    eventually my life will develop into something suitable for Sarah, but for now at least, it's still a compromise.

    so, after this wee braindump , i reckon that mostly im still the same as ever, most of the time. but sometimes im a tall, blokey looking chick with a deep voice and a few unladylike traits....and the rest of the time i'm a quiet barefoot farm hori in hiviz and work jeans, setting shit on fire and finding new ways to hurt myself.

    thanks everyone for helping me over the years, i really do appreciate it

    ...
    How many people are you?

  9. Post
    Zarkov wrote:
    How many people are you?
    these days? one.

    with two fairly well separated and defined appearances, lifestyles and personalities, one that takes effort and is expensive to be, but sits nicely with what my mind wants it to be (or at least is close enough to be acceptable - im prepared to compromise in most things), and one that doesn't take much effort, is a whole hell of a lot cheaper, can take rougher treatment, and is much easier to be...

    ...but isn't sustainable for any decent length of time without causing a whole lot of things to go wrong in my head, feelings of loss, betrayal, depression, self doubt etc. but not being able to attribute them to anyone or anything except my own mind.

    but as i say, regardless of who my body appears to be, there's still just the one mind running it, and I've never felt able to label that - it's always made sense to me what i am, despite it not matching up to the usual 3 options or being understandable enough overall for me to be able to explain it. i had a good grasp of some things, but on the whole i just tried to avoid thinking about it. for nearly twenty years.

    i thought i was gay for many years. but slowly figured out the seperation between sex and gender. i didn't see the significance of how i couldn't define myself by my sexuality - it never fitted quite right. Its not so much to do with sex, more the life of the person behind it.

    basically, i call myself trans, and leave it at that - the life i've built so far doesn't match with the life i need to to be for it to be sustainable, regardless of what i've thought i knew in the past. i've proved enough times that it didn't work.

  10. Post
    apologies for rambling - i'm not flash at keeping my thoughts brief...

  11. Post
    4wd wrote:
    apologies for rambling - i'm not flash at keeping my thoughts brief...
    don't worry about it, that's what the threads for right. glad things are better for you

  12. Post
    Welcome back 4wd, good to see you here. Sounds like you've had some rough dealings, but I'm glad to hear you're figuring it out.

  13. Post
    I've been traveling back to NZ. In all the 3 checks I've had, they have asked if I've been in China in the last 30 days or so. I've said no as I haven't, but you would think they would check through your passport for stamped proof rather than just going off word of mouth?

    I've already seen articles of people lying about where they've been and then going on to spread their sickness.

  14. Post
    Hey 4WD good to hear from you. Most of us are usually wanting to be a slightly different version of themselves so I imagine something that is a radically different version of you must be intense. I think you need to do it fully but dip your toes one at a time.

    I hope you can find a place of equanimity.

  15. Post
    I cant really fathom gender dysphoria because i think i would be happy as either gender as gay as that sounds

  16. Post
    4wd wrote:
    apologies for rambling - i'm not flash at keeping my thoughts brief...
    Good to see you back 4wd. Sounds like a tough time of late, but with some light at the end of the tunnel.

    How's your new pad working out? Got it all sorted?

  17. Post
    Work is very busy this time of year and I'm quite stressed and not sleeping very well and tired all of the time.

  18. Post
    i.e.awesome wrote:
    Work is very busy this time of year and I'm quite stressed and not sleeping very well and tired all of the time.
    Are you me?

  19. Post
    look at all the internal feelers starting to spread their wings

    the darker you went, the brighter the rebound

  20. Post
    Construction is loud af and shaking the whole building. Can't wait for this to be over.

  21. Post
    Imagine if you did it every day for a living.

    Wait, that's me, and its awesome. My phones ringing and I can never hear it.

  22. Post
    I'd probably love driving a digger or truck tbh.

  23. Post
    using an excavator would be fun.

  24. Post
    bradc wrote:
    Imagine if you did it every day for a living.

    Wait, that's me, and its awesome. My phones ringing and I can never hear it.
    Its fun answering the phone while in some odd location (phone blutooths to headset) screws with people if they dont know what im usually upto. Had to quickly divert a package that i ordered at computer lounge while somewhere high as that was the only chance i had.

    Would love to learn how to run a digger, they look like a lot of fun.


  25. Post
    Konev wrote:
    Its fun answering the phone while in some odd location (phone blutooths to headset) screws with people if they dont know what im usually upto. Had to quickly divert a package that i ordered at computer lounge while somewhere high as that was the only chance i had.

    Would love to learn how to run a digger, they look like a lot of fun.

    I've always thought the turbulence would would make it not so fun.

    It was bad enough at Claris in a SW.